Here begins a new series of blogs that I will be publishing over time: The Three-Martini Interview Series. I will first take world figures. Then we will make things interesting with this unique blend of equal parts: I (the interviewer) will drink three martinis (or other weapons of choice), insist that the world figure (the interviewee) does the same, and then conduct interviews on extremely important topics of international concern. This is just to get some social lubrication going, and try to arrive at some profound truths that one cannot achieve during sobriety. My first interview transcript is below. I tapped Osama Bin Laden to be my first subject.
*** Disclaimer: These interviews will be strictly fictional, until such time as real important people agree to talk to me.***
NOTE: As I do not know Arabic, a fictional translator was fictionally hired by me to assist in conducting this fictional interview. If any of the answers are falsely represented here due to the translations from Arabic to English, you can blame our imaginary friend. If you are Bin Laden's lawyer, sue that guy.
MJ: The first question on my mind, and President Obama's mind, and everyone's mind, is this: are you dead or alive?
OBL: That is quite a deep and philosophical question.
MJ: You can give me a philosophical answer. That's allowed. Anything goes.
OBL: Thank you. Okay. According to Islam, and most infidel world religions, life is transitional. However, the soul lives on. So in either scenario, according to your small minded constructs, I am very much alive. If I'm dead, my name alone inspires millions to do the work that I started.
MJ: Okay, another housekeeping matter then. I've had three martinis. And, uh, you don't drink alcohol right? That kind of ruins the premise of these interviews but I respect your right not to drink. Can you meet me halfway somewhere here to follow the spirit of my plans?
OBL: (smiles) I've chosen to share a battery of three hookahs- middle eastern water pipes- with you instead.
MJ: (belching) Great! What flavors shall we share?
OBL: Strawberry, apple, and peach, in that order.
MJ: Beautiful. (a masked gunman-slash-attendant sets a water pipe in between us)
OBL: (taking the first drag on the strawberry flavored tobacco) It is strange talking to you. An American whose parents are from the great Hindu land of India; you chose to live amongst white infidels in miniskirts and pay taxes to the Great Satan. This is after you spent four years in my beautiful home country, Saudi Arabia while growing up. So confused you must be.
MJ: I take umbrage with that. Just because we bailed out AIG and other big companies that didn't deserve it... that doesn't make us Satan. That smells good, by the way.
OBL: Yes, strawberry is my favorite. Your entire system is corrupt.
MJ: It's better than any other system out there! America in my opinion represents the best system of government in the world, the best way for the largest ratio of citizens to achieve prosperity through merit and hard work.
OBL: Your country is a far-reaching empire that has shoved American Idol and Britney Spears down the throats of innocents around the world. It's undefendable.
MJ: Yeah but you guys live in caves and don't allow women to show their faces. I think that's chauvinistic. All countries have their faults, Osama.
OBL: At least we're not tempted.
MJ: So you're admitting that in your ideal world, your men simply have no control over themselves? That a state of utter domination over women where they are not allowed to show their faces in public is the only way to repress mens' inner temptation?
OBL: Quite the opposite. We have full control.
MJ: OK, moving on. We're never going to see eye to eye on this one. (takes a drag of strawberry) Damn, this is tasty.
OBL: Yes this strawberry tobacco was purchased from my friend's farm.
MJ: This one is very important to me. I live in and work for New York City, and I had just moved here when 9/11 happened. It affected many who are close to me. Why did you do it?
OBL: I guess you didn't see my Youtube video? Here's the URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiKyWJRRjnU
To wit: "The events of September 11 are but a reaction to the continuous injustice and oppression being practiced against our sons in Palestine and Iraq and in Somalia and Southern Sudan and in other places like Kashmir and Assam."
MJ: Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Your guys killed 3,000 innocents on 9/11 in New York, at the Pentagon, and the plane that crashed in Shanksville, PA! Including Muslims! What did any of them do? Many of them have never even heard of Assam.
OBL: I knew that would get your goat. You're Indian and you know where Assam and Kashmir are. You know what's happened to my people there at the hands of the Indian government. They weren't innocents; and like you, they were part of the system and deserved to die.
MJ: (gulping, looks at the masked attendant, and takes another drag) I don't understand a philosophy that condones the killing of innocents. This isn't what I stand for, or what America stands for. Those places you brought up are war zones, with organized militaries fighting other organized militaries, with inadvertent civilian casualties. There cannot be a moral equivalence.
OBL: I laid it all out on my video. Watch it!
MJ: So your justification for 9/11 is the story of the wolf and the lamb.
OBL: Yes, the wolf and the lamb! The wolf (America) accuses the lamb (Middle Eastern Muslims) of dirtying its water the year before. The lamb replies that it was not born in the year before so that's not possible!
MJ: I'm following-
OBL: Then the wolf said, "it must have been your mother" and ate the lamb.
MJ: I guess that's messed up.
OBL: Then the lamb's mother, in passion for its dead offspring, butts its leg against the wolf.
MJ: Okay-
OBL: Then the wolf dares calls the poor mother a terrorist even though the wolf wasn't really hurt. And the rest of the world chimes in like parrots in agreement! Where were they when the wolf ate the lamb?
MJ: I'm trying to make sense of this man, I really am. I'm a bit intoxicated but let me try and understand what you're saying. Killing 3,000 innocents on 9/11 was a poor mother sheep's kick against the wolf who ate her son? YOU are the poor mother?
OBL: Exactly! (motions his attendant to replace the hookah; MJ shivers)
MJ: Again, we are never going to see eye to eye on this. You had other means of peaceful protest at your disposal. You didn't have to kill so many innocents.
OBL: It was the only way to make my point.
MJ: Weren't you seeking power by creating a global Caliphate? With you at the helm?
OBL: Yes, and we're going to succeed. And if I am dead now, or if I die in the process, other sons of Islam will grab the prick.
MJ: Grab the prick? (OBL and the translator talk animatedly for 20 seconds)
Translator: Sir. He meant to say "baton." Sorry, that didn't translate well.
MJ: The mother sheep wants to rule the world? It doesn't make sense, man. Anyway most Muslims are smarter than that anyway, they won't let your small minority hijack their entire religion and culture. I agree with Barack Obama: your ideas are morally bankrupt. True Islamic clerics themselves would say so.
OBL: We'll see who's right about that in the future.
MJ: Let me understand you. Why couldn't you achieve change through organized, peaceful means with the resources you had at your disposal?
OBL: I'm not like your heros Gandhi or King. I don't have the time or the patience for that.
MJ: You killed Muslims!
OBL: As you know, those Muslims who disagree with me on the 9/11 issue are not true Muslims at all. In fact, they are as bad as the infidels.
MJ: I doubt that the prophet Mohammad would have agreed with you. You think Mohammad's followers who disagreed with you, including the custodians of Mecca and Medina who exiled you, are wrong?
OBL: Yes. They are just as bad as the Western infidels; therefore they also deserve to die.
MJ: But don't you know that history is against you? That most of the civilized world is against you? Now that Bush is out of power, objective people will start hating your Al Qaeda movement more than they hate America. You'll get wiped out.
OBL: What a way to go. 72 virgins await me and my men who die for this cause.
MJ: That's quite a gamble to take; you have no evidence that your boys will get that in the afterlife. It's sick thinking.
OBL: So let's assume 100,000 civilians died in the American-led invasion of Iraq that you paid for with your tax dollars. That's okay? Compared to my mere 3,000 body count?
MJ: It's not okay; but they were collateral in an armed conflict. Saddam himself killed more of his own people. And for the record, I was against the Iraq invasion.
OBL: I had no love for Saddam. I begged the Saudi royal family to let me at him.
MJ: We can agree that guy was a prick.
OBL: Yes, he was quite a baton.
MJ: See, I knew we'd find something in common! (pulling on the pipe) I like this apple flavor.
OBL: You really think peaceful protests will solve the suffering of the Palestinian people?
MJ: Yes, if it was organized around the principles of democracy instead of terrorism.
OBL: You do not agree that Israel's agenda is one of oppression?
MJ: It's not their agenda. But terrorism puts those who seek draconian measures into power in the name of security. I believe in Israel's right to exist.
OBL: We can never agree on this then.
MJ: What's wrong with Arab peoples and Israel living side by side in harmony?
OBL: It can never happen.
MJ: I disagree. People of different backgrounds around the world live peacefully next to each other. America is the best example of that.
OBL: Even you oppressed the black population for centuries, built your agrarian economy on their backs.
MJ: We made some mistakes. Now we have a black president; we're on our way to improving that situation. America has progressed over time, we've had our civil rights movement, the sexual revolution, different forms of enlightenment of sorts. You've never had that.
OBL: We don't need it. We're fine the way we are. (signals attendant for third, and last hookah)
MJ: To me that shows a lack of education about the world, a lack of intellectual curiosity; a form of Islam that says even within your religion your way is right and everyone else's is wrong.
OBL: Exactly.
MJ: I'm starting to realize there is no point in talking to you about these things. You're not flexible in your thinking. I can try to understand your point of view but you'll never try to understand mine.
OBL: I'm just older and wiser than you. I know the way the world works and you don't.
MJ: Moving on. What do you think is going to happen in the Iranian elections coming up?
OBL: Shi'ites are a waste of my time.
MJ: So even though they're Muslim- you don't feel any connection to their issues?
OBL: They're right to want to wipe Israel off the map. And not much else.
MJ: Okay. We're obviously done talking politics. Let's talk about Abha, the town where I lived.
OBL: Beautiful city.
MJ: I agree. Among the most beautiful I've ever seen-
OBL: Great weather.
MJ: Yes, year round. Amazing mountain vistas. The most beautiful parks in the world.
OBL: The baboons.
MJ: Yes, the baboons who roamed the parks as if they owned them.
OBL: It's too bad you didn't join the good side, able young man like yourself.
MJ: I'm on the good side. I guess we don't have anything else to talk about.
OBL: No, we don't. Goodbye. I hope your hangover isn't too bad.
MJ: Goodbye. (escorted out of the cave at gunpoint. Takes an ornate hookah pipe as a souvenir in his flowing Arabian robe when the armed guards aren't looking- a small act of defiance in this crazy world)
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